Topics of Interest
Chris Kyle Frog Foundation
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Living with PTSD
By: Thomas W.
Just a back ground on me for those who are interested. I was born in 85 to a drug addicted mother that tried to abort me then later abandoned my father and I. My grandmother helped take care of me and there was physical abuse there as a infant and toddler. My mother about 2 years later tried to come back into my life but not out of love, but to sell me for dope money. And the police were called and I was placed in the foster care system. About the age of 4 I was adopted and I had a real anger problem. I saw specialist after specialist and in the 1st grade my parents told me I had to go to a hospital for awhile and if that didn't work I would be put back into the foster system. from that time on I was closed off. I decided I would keep everything in. I had no one to trust And I adapted to that. I have ADD and was dyslexic and my favorite word was mom because either way it was spelled the same. But I had trouble in school because of that. After high school was never talked about except I would do great at a minimum wage job and I would never be good at collage. It wasn't for me. The day I graduated high school my mother said $600 was due at the fist of the month. I was not worried about what am I going to do for myself at the age of 19. I was worried about me one day having a wife and kids and supporting them with a mcdonalds wage, not that there is anything wrong with that but I knew without a shadow of a d that was not where I would spend the rest of my life. I told my parents I was joining the army and with no support I raised my right hand and swore to defend my country till the day I die. I spend about 8 year in the army national guard. I was in Iraq for a little over 2 years with 2 deployments, October 9 2006- October 22nd 2007. Aug 11 08- aug 11 09. And that's when I developed my new best friend. His name is PTSD. I came home from Iraq and was encouraged to go to the VA for help, So I went. I had a psychiatric dr who talked me into taking a it depressants. About every month when I told her how I would feel on them she would take me off them and give me another kind. I went crazy and almost killed myself. It was almost 6 years before I went back. It took the VA almost 6 years to give me a rating and it was 100% just from PTSD. Not including the other stuff wrong with me. It was a little bit of a relief. Finally my friend had a name everyone could call it besides me. I went to a counselor she then advise me was it sounded like I should of been born in 1878 because I live on a farm and like to hunt. That is what she would say almost every session. After a month of that wonderful advise of what time period I should of lived in, I stood her up in the bill and never went back to her. My wife and I had major marriage problems so I agreed to go back for personal and marriage Counsoling. In the course of that I found out my wife had been having an affair for awhile. And it tore my world apart. Our counselor said she was closing her practice due to a family medical issue. She gave me a few names and I was reluctant to call and start all over again. I made up my mind I was going to better myself at all cost. So I called the first one on her list of recommendations. Lana Allen. Our first visit went great. I gave her a list of all kinds of crazy life experiences I've been threw. I told her I do to care what we talk about. How deep how heavy, I do to care what we do as long as it's not meth. That's about the depth of how hard I was speaking help. She told me we were going to do stuff with colors and I wouldn't notice a difference but just shuttle changes. I told her whatever lets just do this deal. So we did a color chart the first time and she explained the colors to me. And why I felt certain ways looking at different colors. And it blew my mind. I was thinking she was a witch dr. But the more I did it and the more she explained the more incredible this gift she had was. I have been noticing weird things happening. I still have my PTSD but the way I handle it is totally different. There is not really any reaction to situations that would trigger my PTSD. The other day a rock flew up and hit my windshield and there have been a few times that's kind of situation has happen in Iraq except for bullets. But when it happen I didn't explode in anger like I would normally do. I ducked behind the steering wheel and swerved in my truck and my heart and mind was rolling but there was no reaction as far as blowing up and staying on edge for hours. It was 30 min ordeal. Another situation was my neighbor was yelling at my dogs and pointing a gun at them while they were in my fence. I have cane corsos for my anxiety and paranoia at night. These dogs are roman war dogs and mean business. But they were in the fence and this guy was acting like her was going to kill them. Pointing the gun at my dogs and yelling at them with my house as the back drop for the bullet if it was fired. My usual response would be to jump the fence and beat him half to death. But I went out there and we talked for about 2 hours. I left that situation scratching my head. This guy just gave me a green light to kick his teeth down his neck and instead I had a nice chat with him and everything under the sun. I was still really mad but my reaction was not the same. There was another instance where It was night and a church by my house has a led sign so bright that it signals god all the way to heaven. That night My daughter and I were driving home and the sign flashed and she just so happen to let out a blood curtailing scream. It sent me down the wonderful road of the first time my squad was blown up. I ducked down romped on the gas and hit a ditch. I headed down another road away from where that happen. I realized what happen and came to. Instead of a whole day of agitation or walking on egg shells as my wife would put it. It was over in about a hour. I didn't react how I normally would. I more then likely would of grabbed a tire iron and bashed all the lights out of the sign. I still want to do that but instead I plan on just giving the church a letter. There are more experiences I've have came across just like this but the biggest thing I have noticed was combat reaction was not there. The kill kill kill with cold blue steal was rolling threw my mind but there was no powder behind that bullet. This instance would anger the best of us but like before there wasn't really any powder behind that bullet. Due to my 100% rating my house is tax free. In tracking the right people down was no easy task. The appraisal district sent me to the county tax collector who sent me to the city clerk who sent me to records who sent me to the appraisal district who tried to send me to the county clerk. For 3 days I fooled around with them on getting my property taxes dropped. I'm finally at the close of getting this problem resolved and I'm not even that agitated. Another difference is instead of unhealthy habits to preoccupy my mind as in buying guns or other junk that I use to do to keep my mind busy, I've been writing a lot. I failed 10th grade English. I would of never guessed that would be something enjoyable. But it's kinda fun I guess if you can call it that. I mean I would like to be out hunting but that's not a reality for every day for me. So I've been writing. These are some of the ways that it has helped me in my everyday life.
"Making Progress" ...........
The other day I had a guy standing 10 feet from my fence pointing a gun at my cane corsos. And screaming at them. My usual reaction would be to climb all over him and act on the green Light that presented it's self by a man screaming at my dogs and pointing a gun at them. But instead I went out there and I spoke kind and caring words and the guy walk off and it left me puzzled. Why did I do that? I have never done that? Maybe god with the help of Lana can change all that. Now that guy call me all the time and we have talked almost everyday now. Weird as shit! But god doesn't do normal.
"Most Important Thing That Has Come From Counseling"
I was thinking this morning about this past year and what is the most important thing that has come from counseling. And there is many to choose from but the one that stands out is the ability to communicate when I'm having a PTSD moment and why and I'm able to talk that out with my wife instead of her thinking its a personal attack.